I have decided to step away from the blogosphere for a little while. So this will be my final post for an undetermined amount of time.
I’ve been feeling this need to withdraw for the past month and just tonight after finishing a long phone conversation with a fellow blogger, I have clarity as to why I feel the way I do.
You see, I feel that my blog has become stagnant and even redundant. I feel as if I’m telling the same story over and over again.
I have found that I want a new story… but HOW will I find it if I am truly stuck in my old stories?
I am stepping away in order to breathe life into the new pages that want to be written.
What will I do in the meantime?
I will write. I will write to myself, for myself, without craving approval from anyone outside of me (this is BIG for my inner and fading people pleaser). I will stop talking about what I want (or in this case, talking about not talking about what I want). I will start living my life in each moment, consciously taking each breath and small step toward what I know to be true. By doing this, I hope to release the shame I feel about who I really am. I hope to make peace with me and say goodbye to the petrified, nervous vomit I spew in response to the question, “ What do you want for your life?”
Seriously, last week someone innocently asked what I see for my life and my response was out of this world ridiculous as I unconsciously and desperately tried to cover up my true self. I clung quite unsuccessfully to the old idea of who I thought I should be. This resulted in not only a terribly awkward conversation but a devastating disappointment from the not so pretty awareness which basically slapped me across the face regarding how ashamed I am about what I want for my life and just how detrimental holding this secret in really is. I have to tell you, my response was self-sabotage at its best (or worst).
Anyway, as many of you know I’ve been meditating often and much. I have re-discovered who I am and I have had difficulty owning it. Though as a result of the awareness, my day-to-day life has become pregnant with symbolism, mirroring my inner truth back to me in the most magnified and obvious fashion, begging me to give birth to the possibility. Whew… it’s been intense.
Seriously, everyday from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, my life is full of undeniable signs, symbols, and big huge bright arrows lighting the path. You would think I’d be happy about this… um, not so much actually (rather I AM happy and even EXCITED… just not comfortable with it yet). However, now that I know, there is no turning back. I have to face me. I have to face my life and I have to follow the road home.
I see that through all of the opportunities which are surfacing in response to my longing to have a deeper sense of understanding, I feel desperately awkward. Therefore, I am simply not comfortable sharing about my life right now. I feel at this point, anything I write will not be authentic, because I am not in a place to feel okay with sharing my most vulnerable dreams. Honestly, I don’t know how to write from any other place than my heart.
My intention is to completely let go and flow with the magnificent stories which are practically chasing me down, begging for my undivided participation. In order to surrender, I have found a strange paradox: I need to turn inward and nurture my dreams as well as my self and respect my own need for privacy. At the same time, I need to show up in my day-to-day life with an open heart and an open mind and conscious awareness that I am not running anymore, I am literally welcoming the path home to myself… to my dreams.
In a nutshell, I need to simplify my life. I need to literally build my new story from the ground up, starting inside and branching that into my community. Ultimately, I have become my own worst enemy and desperately need to get out of my own way as I allow the mysteries to unfold and reveal themselves while committing (that’s a word that strikes wicked fear into me…. WOW) to ownership of what I actually want. Not what others want for me, not what society thinks I should want or what my past mistakes or misfortunes have labeled me unworthy of.
I actually am going to step into my dreams now and whenever I feel sturdy within myself, I will be back.
Feel free to say hi anytime via e-mail.
Until next time,
(I was just perusing youtube for an epic good-bye song… but this is the one that resonated most with me… not so much deep, but it put a smile on my face).