I Have A Secret...

This week has been exceedingly delightful yet  agonizingly confusing.  I feel like I’ve been struggling with a tip of the tongue syndrome from my own soul which has left me full of life and paradoxically bereft of any sense of purpose.

I’ve been digging relentlessly for my own answers to the simple question, “Who am I?”

Photo Credit: Natalia Grigoryeva | Dreamstime.com

What brought up this intense soul-searching?

Well, it is my belief that when we are in our flow and when we really know who we are and what we want from life, the answers that propel us toward our ever unfolding destiny will indeed reveal themselves.  The action steps will naturally come forward and light the way on the ever winding twists and turns of fate that bring us closer to our souls purpose.

I’m not by any means stating that there is no hard work required on the path to our destiny.  However, it has been my experience that when I am in my flow, I do not need to force doors open… the process, though challenging, is never painful.  When I am in my flow, I work hard and sometimes I get tired, but usually any sense of fatigue comes from knowing without a shadow of the doubt that I’m going somewhere.  Any resistance usually just fuels me to work harder, smarter be more resourceful and of course relentless in my pursuit (These are qualities I ADORE about myself).  When I have a clear intention in mind no one will stop me and I have always succeeded through any adversity.

I do believe to the very core of my being that when I am in my flow, I am acting on my inner knowing.  When I am acting on my inner knowing I cannot and will not be stopped because it’s inevitable that I will get where I am going.  If my intention and purpose come from the heart, the end result becomes a given which fuels me to be the best I can be and persevere against all odds.

However, lately (more specifically since April of 2010), I feel like a fish floundering on dry land.  I have seen that any door I try to open simply will not crack.  I’ve become curious as to why things are not moving and have become quite sick of forcing things to happen that simply don’t want to meet me half way (or even at the door) to create something magical and wonderful.  In fact, anything I think I’ve wanted proves very much to be something that only drains my energy and leaves me lifeless not having any sort of inkling to pursue it any longer.

I am not a quitter.  I am definitely a fighter, a survivor and a person who does not give up.

SO.  Recently I began to think about when the doors of opportunity turned into heavy iron fortresses which are padlocked, guarded and quite frankly cannot be budged open regardless of any heavy artillery I bring to the “playing ground.”  In fact, I started to think that even if I could get through to the “Promise Land,” would I even want to be a part of such an uninviting, cold and impossible scenario?

Photo Credit:  Olena Chykro/Dreamstime.com

This thought led me to my next big epiphany.

What do I want?

Here is a little stream of fear driven consciousness which that ever so simple question brought forward:

OMG , am I ready to surrender to the fact that everything I’ve built my identity on for the last two years and more specifically over the last five years maybe were built on illusion? 

(I began shaking a little at that thought…. I mean, that would basically render my whole detailed vision board wrong AND I’d have to start over AND um I really like the idea of the person I’ve been striving to embrace, create and allow out the past few years).

Oh no… am I just an idea?

Well, ask and you shall receive.  My dreams as well as my meditations have colored my world each night and every time I close my eyes throughout the day with the SAME visions, same colors, same stories, same people, same desires… etc.  I journal about it, just to make sure the messages I’m seeing in my mind’s eye are being interpreted properly.  I don’t want any mistakes.  I want to know without a shadow of the doubt exactly what my heart wants me to know about why the hell I’m even existing.  I miss the exhilarating high of flowing with life, allowing things to fall into place and the blissful ecstasy of accomplishing stuff that means something to me on a somewhat regular basis even if it takes time to unfold.

I’ve kept up with that meditation for about ten days and I see that I am ready for the next stage of my process:  Owning it.  Ouch.

You might be wondering what it is.

I’m not going to tell you.

Sorry.

I mean, I just told myself and it’s sort of brand new.

Well, actually it is not brand new.  The weird thing is, it’s the thing(s) I’ve wanted since I can remember.  It is the same story I told myself for most of my life until apparently I decided only “stupid” people want that.  It’s the desire that died a slow painful death throughout most of my twenties.  It’s the desire that I disowned when my life simply mirrored back to me the self-loathing I was fostering inside, which made me incapable if I got it and stupid if I wanted it.  It became a lose/lose scenario to even think about it.  I found myself judged by others when I used to proudly exclaim who I was (Naturally, now I know this was a projection from my own inner hostility).

Anyway, through thinking about what I actually do want from life, I find myself petrified to pursue these desires.  I have very effectively judged myself so completely and in the past surrounded myself so thoroughly with people who are the complete opposite of me (not in the complimentary yin/yang, peanut butter/jelly kind of way) that I am stunned and shocked when I begin to choke and hold my breath when I try to speak these words in a whisper even to myself.

I was having dinner with a friend last week and naturally he was very curious.  I’ve known him for a long time.  He is a person who I’ve come to know as someone I can be myself with, I can lean on him, I can pretty much tell him anything and I know he won’t judge or even use my words against me… but even with him, I said I couldn’t.

I sort of told one friend.  But she is a therapist and I didn’t tell her in a friend setting.  I told her I needed a session and could she please listen to me…. so, I asked for an appointment in her office.  I don’t like to talk about it in more comfortable settings.

What if my dreams get crushed?

What if I’m still attracting others into my life who mirror my old relationship paradigms and I just don’t know it yet?

I mean, I doubt it.  But still, this is something I’ve put away and have made an effort to judge over the last several years.  In fact, I am somewhat amused that I put this dream away because I was so desperately seeking approval from others that I deemed my true self  worthless as I relentlessly pursued proving myself tough, smart, strong and of course capable (there are many looooong stories behind each of those words, I’ve been trying to build the courage to share them here and hopefully I will soon).

Anyway, the first day of my meditation, I sat outside dangling my legs in the warm sunshine and found myself in a deeply peaceful state after asking “Who am I” and then allowing myself to listen for the response.  When I wrote down my findings that first day, I had goose bumps on my skin and warm fuzzies within.  When I finished, I realized I was smiling because I had a secret with myself.  A secret I forgot about and allowed myself to indulge in the ecstasy of living for just a few minutes…

When a friend came over shortly after that, she looked at me and said, “You look so peaceful.”

I was.  I really was.  I was radiating inner peace that flowed from the depths of my being.  I gave my true self a podium from which to express herself and share the stories she’d been holding in for too long.  I let it be okay to sing my song if only just to myself.

Photo Credit:  Anna Sedysheva | Dreamstime.com

From here on out, it is my intention to flow with what comes forward from this knowing.

Eventually, I will have no choice but to share as this will become my life… the life I always wanted.

However, until then I am okay with gently holding this fragile dream close to my heart as I slowly let it stand on its own two feet.

I guess I’m sort of leaving you hanging here.

I’ll give you a hint:  It’s such a minor thing, that I’m the first person I’ve ever met that considers this worth being kept a secret. 

Have a great weekend.