Ever since I arrived in the world of being a grown up, I have felt a lot of pressure to find a label for myself. I’ve heard lots of things about who I should be and labels that others thought would suit me. Though everyone’s suggestions for the most part came from a place of love, nothing ever resonated with me. I often found myself saying, “I just want to be me.” I didn’t mean those words as “I don’t want to work,” I meant them as I just want to find a way to get paid while doing something that allows me to be who I really am, dress like me, help others, make a real contribution to this world and generally share my true talents in an atmosphere where I would be appreciated.
Image found here: http://beinglatino.wordpress.com/2010/11/05/when-i-grow-up/
Apparently in the world of grown-up, that can be a lot to ask for.
When I got out of the military, I enrolled in school. I felt quite certain that upon finishing higher education, I would know what my “grown-up” label should be. However, when I finished I realized that school was no help. In fact, in the end I wound up with a paper which told me I was capable of regurgitating information that didn’t excite me in the least. Now I realize Philosophy, something having to do with World Religions and Communication definitely would have suited me better. However, at this point, all of my G.I. Bills have been used up, and I am not an Oregon resident until I have lived here for a year and worked FULL-TIME, so seeing as I live in one of the worst economies in the country, going back to school isn’t on my current to-do list.
A few years ago, someone asked me what I did for a living. Since I didn’t consider my actual profession (librarian assistant) to be something that accurately portrayed who I am, I simply said, “I’m a Professional Sunshine Spreader.” They asked if I actually got paid to do that and I said, “Not yet.”
This is ME.
Anyway, if you read my last post, you would know that as of recently (more specifically, since arriving back from Minnesota), I’ve been in a funk, a growing icky funk where I’ve been loosing contact with my true self and my true gifts. I’ve been looking for work and sending in resumes to many non-profits and generally anywhere. However, nothing is coming back to me. I’m honestly okay with this. Though I do want financial freedom and I do want to treat myself to fun things, to me, it is far more expensive to my spirit to take on a profession which sucks my soul dry and doesn’t allow me to be me.
To me, being me isn’t something that happens after my shift ends and on the weekends, it is a full-time job. I’m very good at spreading sunshine and I actually do take it very seriously.
Anyway, back to the funk. I realize tonight, that my funk is not from being unemployed. No, my funk is a result of forgetting who I am or more specifically buying into the misunderstanding that who I am is not good enough because it doesn’t fit. Over the past several months, I have effectively disowned myself. I forgot about that girl who saw the beauty of sleeping in her car. I forgot about my ideals and I couldn’t hear the song in my heart. I began judging myself and comparing myself to societies version of success and was horrified when I saw what a failure I am.
I now remember that what I have to offer the world is indeed valuable. I also recognize that I have to create my path. It can be a very tiring road with more blocks than I’d like to think about. However, the cost of not following what I know to be true is just too much.
In the end, I am just trying to convey that I remembered tonight that my passions of spreading sunshine, connecting people, sharing enthusiasm, learning, growing and helping others are valid contributions to make.
I’m going to follow what I know.
I’m going to start saying YES to me again.
This piece is very inspiring.
Thank you so much. Your blog is very beautiful too.
Currie, You have SUCH a great way of capturing feelings in words. I am going through the very same process of full commitment to who I am, followed by my – mostly unintentional – allowance of society’s ideas seeping into my psyche, followed by a recognition of what is happening and a then a renewed commitment. Years ago, I lived in the disconnected mode that you are so bravely avoiding. As hard as it can be to live true, I wouldn’t go back to that for anything!!!! I am proud of you and along for the ride with you
Thank you, Julie!! Living true is not easy sometimes and I so appreciate your encouraging words. Thanks for being on your journey and thank you for being a part of mine.
Amen, amen, and amen! Beautiful writing–stunningly significant message. Good for the “me” that you are!
Hugs,
Kathy
Thank you so much for your words! What a compliment! I hope you have a fantastic day!
“You are my Sunshine, My only Sunshine…”
Don’t let anyone take yours away. Go, girl!
Yeah, that’s sort of my theme song! Seriously, since I was about 7 years old that has been my song.
Thank you!
Beautiful. Allowing your soul to be sucked dry serves no one.
Thanks, Rayme! I agree.
Awesome post! It seems we’ve been going through similar processes. Even though we both know who we are and what we’re about, I’ve found that going through these past soul searching months and seeing how I stack up with societies’ perceptions and expectations ultimately reaffirms what I’ve known all along. It’s also taken me to a much deeper level of authenticity and self love, which it sounds like you’ve also found. You once wrote that you were looking for your tribe. It seems that you are closer to that now than you have ever been and pardon the presumption, but I feel we are in the same tribe–2 young women who believe in miracles, living honestly, and making a positive impact.
Thank you! I agree, I feel like I am closer than ever to finding that sense of home and belonging I’ve been searching for. It’s odd, the more I’ve surrendered to belonging where I am right now, the more I attract people into my life who seem to know the song in my heart (from all over). I had goosebumps when you wrote that. YES! I am so close! Yes, of course you are a part of my tribe and I am so excited to see how and when or paths cross in person.
Have a wonderful day!
Your posts always leave me with a lot to say!
I’ve never really cared or wanted to put a label on myself either… While some of my friends are becoming “Bankers” or “Lawyers” or “Doctors” I haven’t been able to find something that fits me…. as a result it’s pretty tough to think about where I’ll be or even who I’ll be 5 years from now.
But I guess I kinda like it like that. I like not knowing and always trying to learn and grow and experience new things, see new places.
I like spreading sunshine myself too… I’ve realized that I’ve got a knack for listening to people’s stories…. and it makes me feel really good to feel that they’re opening up to me. My job’s ok – but what makes it really good is doing whatever I can do around the office or with the students to help them learn or even just feel good about themselves. I don’t see myself sticking with this job in the long-term, but I do expect to see myself working for whomever is around me in the same way regardless of where I wind up being in the future…
I dunno… does that make any sense? ^^
Beautiful! It makes perfect sense.
Haha, thanks. ^_^
I felt though after making this comment that I probably sounded like a total know-it-all though.
No- not at all!