I slept until noon today. I didn’t get that refreshing rest that I needed. No, I slept on the couch for most of the night waking up every few hours wanting to go to bed, but feeling too lazy and lifeless to do any such thing.
Image found here
I finally made my way to traditional bed at 5:30 am and slept peacefully for maybe 3 or 4 hours, until I started dreaming. I had dreams where the person I’ve come to know as me was shopping for the girl I really am. The sloppy girl representing me now felt clueless and confused as she looked for things that made the girl she used to be, happy.
Needless to say, I rolled out of bed, made my coffee, ate too much left over pizza and sat thinking about how I got to this inner place.
I recently told my current housemate that it is so important for me to center myself in myself again while here in Oregon. I went on to say that I just don’t feel like myself anymore… that I feel disconnected from me.
Since she has never known me before a few months ago, she asked what I used to be like.
So, I told her: “I used to wake up at 4:30 every morning and go running in the snow. I ate mostly all organic and healthy foods, I took excellent care of myself, I was always well dressed, glowing and put together. I was organized. I worked three jobs and took 17 credits at a time in school, while getting straight A’s. I organized charity events. And I did it all with energy to spare.”
My housemate, who I know is glad to have me just as I am and is grateful for my contributions to her home, looked at me and stated the obvious. “I haven’t met that girl.” No, she hasn’t. I have a suitcase full of clothes I don’t wear. I am always in the most comfortable stretchy clothing I own. If I wake up before 10 am, it’s surprising. In my opinion, I waste a lot of time and though I’m still bubbly and generally happy, I tire easily and for me it’s a big deal if I brush my hair (though it’s not that big a deal since I have short hair).
Anyway, I slept till noon today, was full of food before I had my coffee and I was feeling kind of worthless. Usually, I’m really good at holding onto dreams and working toward finding my happy place. But this morning I just wasn’t in that space… not even a tiny bit.
I decided I wanted to avoid how I was feeling, so I went to facebook (the worlds best time suck). Unfortunately, my negative feelings were only intensified there. I logged on and was bombarded by a barrage of happy successes many of my friends were experiencing. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for those who are finding concrete success on the way to living their dreams. However, as I was in the what about me? state of mind this morning, seeing those happy words only triggered not so pleasant emotions in me.
Finally, as my dark side threw one last, “You are a joke” my way, I got what I didn’t even know I needed. An old friend (actually my first friend in LA) messaged me. This was a little surprising because the last time we spoke was over a year ago.
Anyway, he surprised me with some really kind words. When we met, he was going through a very difficult time, and I was always grateful for having the opportunity to be there for him as he worked to come out on the other side. Really, the time we spent together was always very powerful to me.
This morning, we had a quick chat where he thanked me for being there for him way back when… that it meant a lot to him and that I was a light in his life. He said, “You have a destined future, you are on your path. I can see it, can you?” I told him that no, this morning I cannot. I asked what he saw and he said, “look at the sun, and at night, the moon- look into the heart of its beam and that is your lights reflection -trust-”
Just what I needed to hear this morning. The quick exchange left tears in my eyes and helped me remember how valuable I am. It also helped me tap into who I was when I met him. I was very connected to my inner flow at that time and had a lot to give. Now, I feel inspired again to trust what I know in my heart and to go get that gym membership and make my way to the grocery store for some kale and all things that feed my soul with health and fuel which help coax the real me to come out and play.