Trust

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On New Years Eve, I attended a burning bowl ceremony.  The intention behind this event was to release the past by way of writing down events in 2011 that maybe we aren’t so proud of or happy with and burn the energy of the “unpleasantness”  in a big bowl.  After doing that, we were led through a guided meditation to uncover our personal keywords in order to help us find the most success in 2012.  Last, we were instructed to write our intentions for 2012 as well as begin a list of gratitude which we should keep adding onto throughout the year.

This was a tremendously powerful event for me.  Throughout the whole thing, I had goosebumps on my whole body (which is usually a sign to me that something powerful is happening at the core of my being…. like I am uncovering a previously hidden truth from my soul’s blueprint).

After I wrote down the not so pleasant events of 2011 and prepared to burn them, the speaker instructed us to not get up and burn until we had forgiven the events.  So, I ran through my list finding deep gratitude for intuitively understanding with each event that it was not anyone outside of me that I needed to forgive… it was me that I needed to release and make peace with.  Mostly, as I ran through the list I said the same two things over and over again:  “I forgive myself for judging myself as not enough,” and here is the BIG one.  “I forgive myself for buying into the misunderstanding that I don’t belong and that I am alone.”

I burned my paper and sat down to write things I am grateful for.  The first thing I wrote down was, “Thank you Walker, MN.”

As you may or may not know, most of my journey in Minnesota was uncomfortable.  The second half of my journey was especially “difficult” and dysfunctional .

This was a  big moment for me because even though I’ve always felt gratitude for MN and saw immediately the purpose of the dysfunction, I was having trouble making peace with the forgiveness issues it brought to the surface.  However, recently all of that information has been synthesized and magically it has come home to thoroughly ground itself into the depths of my being.

You see, Walker was a place where it became abundantly clear that my “mommy” issues were in fact very raw and still very alive and in dire need of a healing balm.  Since I’ve arrived back in Oregon, my biggest goal has been to find forgiveness for my mother.

When I left Walker, a follower of my blog recommended a book to me called Radical Forgiveness.  Recently, she sent it to me as a Christmas gift.  This is a book which has been recommended to me before from other sources and in fact it has been in my hands (A happy bonus of having a close life coach friend).  I’ve even done the worksheet before (admittedly, only half heartedly).

However, I found the book frustrating and annoying and I hated it a little (I never read it… I opened it once and skimmed).  I mean, I had too much other life stuff to deal with like finding a job and healthy food and moving around trying not to spread any one persons resources too thin… just too much on my plate to deal with that stupid self- help book.

It’s funny how we can have the very thing we desire right in front of us and still avoid it like it’s the most annoying thing ever… and then we keep searching for it and scratching our heads wondering why we haven’t received it yet,  even though it’s right in front of us… or in my case right in my hands.

At least, I do that sometimes.

Innyhoo, when someone sent it to me as a gift, I had a different reaction.  I mean, she spent money on it, talked it up and took the time to send it to me… and I’ve never even met this girl… so it seemed even more cold to ignore the kindness she was sending my way.  It would be very disrespectful and just plain mean to walk away from this gift.  After all, she has been one of my biggest blog supporters and I’ve come to trust her feedback very much.  I know she gets my story, so perhaps….. just maybe….. I should open my heart to this gift.

That is exactly what I did.  I fell in love with this book within the first few pages.  Before even getting to the actual ‘work’ within the book, I had somehow already realized why I was having such difficulty allowing the forgiveness process to happen.

You see, I have always felt like I don’t belong.  In fact my very first memory is my third birthday, when I got a tricycle as a gift and proceeded to get on it and attempt to ride off and wake up from the nightmare I had come to know as my family,  in search of where I really belong…. in search of my people.

Through most of my childhood, I was quiet and preferred to play alone.  Often the world outside of me (not only my home life, but school as well) was too loud and I preferred lots of quiet time to myself, to think… to be.  Even though I didn’t have the words for it back then, I think it was because some how some way, I knew I was different than where I was.  I saw so many labels, projections and violence (not just in the home) swirling around me and it made me uncomfortable.  I wanted to find out who I was on my own terms.

As I progressed into adulthood and found myself divorced, that feeling of not belonging intensified.  Since then, I have drifted aimlessly into different places.  I’ve always come back to Oregon because I like it here and I’ve always known that being in this place satisfies me deeply… and I’ve always called it home…. yet I never commit to being here.  I’ve had many friends here, guys who have wanted to date me, people who want to get close to me, people who want to include me in lots of stuff… However, my survival mechanism is always to dance along the outside of things.  I’m the cute, funny and spirited girl who kind of floats around dabbling in lots of things, but committing to nothing.

Within the last month or so, I had an opportunity to possibly move to San Francisco.  There seemed to be great connections and wonderful job opportunities calling my name.. and my room-mate was actually planning on moving down there, so he offered me a free ride.  On top of that, I have friends who have family and close friends down there.  Literally, everything was lining up to meet me down there and it looked like I really could find success.  I was planning on leaving on January 8.

However, I started reading this forgiveness book and it was so powerful for me to define the whole not belonging thing.  I started reflecting on my whole life, right from that very first memory.  And I looked at events which had striking similarities which always cast me out as not belonging.  The memory stood that out the most was the day when my mother kicked me out.

When I saw the “coincidences,” I was FINALLY able to allow the information I already knew to sink in on a much deeper level.  I somehow allowed my own truth to find me.  That truth being that in order to stop this feeling of not belonging to permeate my existence and perpetuate an inability to forgive my mother, I have to make a choice to stop the cycle and release the power that the story of not belonging was holding over me.  I mean, after all I believe that we all choose to come to this earth and EVERYTHING that happens “to” us is really happening for our highest good, to help us come home to ourselves.  So, if I believe that and especially if my first memory is rooted in a feeling of being misplaced, than really and truly on a soul level, my mother loved me very much to help me have my human experience and to help me feel disconnected so that I may find my way home again..

So, I am staying in Oregon.  I have found that the best way to release the energetic tension in regard to my mother and to stop the cycle I’ve been accidentally creating for myself is to put roots down.  I need to consciously admit that I do belong somewhere and that I am not alone in this thing called life.  Don’t get me wrong, I do have worldly goals and I plan on accomplishing them.  I do know I will leave again one day.  However it makes so much sense in my healing process to own a place on the map as “home.”

Since announcing to my friends that I would be staying (because for a while there, I really thought I would leave), I was so surprised to hear many people say, “We get to keep you!  YAY!”

To make it even cooler, on New Years Eve as I was telling some people that I decided to stop pursuing places to dwell in San Francisco and  stay here in Oregon,  a girl who I sort of recognized said, “I have your bowl.”  (Mind you, this was the burning bowl ceremony).  I looked at her like, “Who are you and what are you talking about?”  She proceeded to explain that when I had my big yard sale, when I sold ALL of my belongings before moving to CA, she bought one of my bowls.  Well, not just any bowl.  It was a handmade and beautifully crafted gift to me which was made by my neighbor friend.  Apparently, when she bought it, she knew deep down inside that it was not hers and that it still belonged to me.  The day she bought it, she knew that it was her job to protect it for me until I came back (even though we really didn’t know each other and never had exchanged contact info).

So, all in all it’s kind of cool.  This bowl represents a great deal to me.  First of all, it came back around full circle and right on time as I was realizing how to stop a dysfunctional cycle in my life.  I am so happy to have this bowl also because most of what I own now doesn’t contain heartfelt connection… nothing I own has much significance to my heart and this bowl is now the most valuable thing I own.

In the beginning of this post, I talked about the ceremony and finding our words for 2012.  Well, my word was Trust.  I am already seeing that word manifest itself into so much of my life.  As I choose to stay here and put roots down and as I prepare myself to manifest the things I really do want in my life, I am so grateful that the bowl came back to me.  It was a big clear sign to me that if something does have meaning to my heart, and if it’s not in my life yet or if I have let it go- to understand that it will come home to me when the time is right.  I just need to get out of my own way and trust the process.

It really is a magical and beautiful bowl.  You know how I said that she was protecting it for me?  Well, she told her seven-year old son that and he said, “Mom, it was protecting us too.”

Happy 2012!

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