Is all that I am seeking really seeking me too?

I am currently sitting in front of a regular computer (the battery on my laptop recently went kapoot) with a corded phone (yes, CORDED- I no longer desire to own a phone) resting quite uncomfortably between my left ear and my left shoulder.  I have been on hold for the past 45 minutes or so and the first time I was on hold for 90 minutes only to be hung up on. 

Little annoyances have been the theme of my day today.  Like when I took the two dogs for a walk this morning and the puppy pulled so hard on her choke collar (to go on hot pursuit of a deer) that she actually tore the collar from the leash and ran off.  Boy did she have a good run and thankfully she did come back after awhile with me attempting to find the “on” switch for my “yelling” voice that most always seems to be “out of order”.  Seriously, I have this little pixie voice that does not yell well… so I sat sort of half screaming/whispering in a cracked voice that I imagine is what a teenage boy who is going through voice change sounds like.  During my half assed attempt at a “yell,”  I had time to think of every worst case scenario that could happen…. “What if she can’t find her way home?”….. “What if coyotes get her?”….. “Or worse, a cougar”…. What if she does catch that deer????  They are docile… but what if something less than half their size is giving them trouble… would the deer charge at the dog?”  “Oh my God Corinn and Weage will never speak to me again.”

Luckily she came back. 

I went today to deal with paperwork which was a consequence of my lifestyle for the past few years.  This does not upset me.  It actually makes me happy to finish up some unfinished business.  Though the person I worked with today said something which kind of triggered a sort of Spiritual upset in me.  He said something which is not unfamiliar to my ears, “Don’t give up… You have such a special innocence to you.  I can tell you are a very positive person. You are a free spirit, make sure you keep yourself free.  Don’t fall victim to the machine of society and commit to something that just ties you down without a sense of purpose.”  I know, I thought… this I know. 

But I’m so SICK of chasing things down only to be disappointed or find out that every door I try to open slams in my face or won’t quite open no matter how hard (or gently) I try to open the dang thing.  I know the path to success is not by any means a straight line.  I know there are twists and turns of fate at every corner and part of success is the attitude.  Surrendering to the unknown and keeping the faith alive that one is indeed living a life of purpose.  These things I know. 

The wise side of me says, “Create the opportunities you are seeking.” 

Dear wisdom: 

Please refer to the paragraph above.  I try like mad to create.  NOTHING opens for me.  I have written pages and pages and yet more pages about my ideal career.  Who is there, what it feels like, where I am…. the food I eat… the clothes I wear…. EVERY detail of my ideal career is mapped out.  (Honestly, if you are so wise you would know this).  Action steps?  YUP.  Got that covered… to the point where I am paralyzed into non-action… I don’t want others to think I’m some crazed obsessive person who gives others no space and doesn’t respect boundaries.  And yes, I know I can’t control the how- I have no desire to.  I do know amazing results occur in the place of action….. and there is a balance between action and surrender.

***

You know, today was actually not the first time I heard those words.  I’ve actually not been hired because apparently what I have to offer is too “special,” “pure” and “unique” for the “regular” world.  I’ll never forget the non-profit I tried  to get a job with a few years back.  I never heard from them with any of the resumes I sent in. … until….The hiring manager asked me out of the blue to a special meeting to discuss the amazing charity I work I had recently done on my own… This woman just wanted to meet and congratulate me because she was so impressed with my work.  I thought for sure she would DEFINITELY hire me after this meeting.   ”I’ve received your resumes,” she said, “I want to hire you… you are so special….. Let me tell you something- I’ve spent years chasing the “perfect”  job to be sadly disappointed, over-stressed and driven by making money alone.  I now work at a non-profit which does feed my soul and it allows me to be with my family.  You know the value of doing something rewarding rather than chasing money alone.  And I do see you helping people.  You are obviously a driven person with worthy goals… but you are almost too special for a small town organization…  I think working for us is not your path… it’s too small… this would hold you back.”

I used to question if her response was a sort of cop out… but really she didn’t have to ask me to a meeting and I only sent in resumes to her… nothing else…

People often comment on my “light” my “energy” my “presence”…. even at times like this when I feel anything but special. 

I always take it as a compliment and I know since I receive those compliments so often, that it must be something that naturally radiates from me… and most times I see it too.

I’ve also learned that you cannot force these things to come to light prematurely… hence the time I spent in MN…

However, I would just like something to happen.  A sign.  A paycheck.  “Special” people deserve a paycheck too.  I mean, I have nothing against working.  I look for work REGULARLY.  And I have to tell you that I am SO GRATEFUL for my friends here in Oregon who believe in me, who have helped me and even if some of them don’t understand my choices over the past few years- still completely love me and have no issues supporting me with food, a roof and unconditional love. 

But I am SO SICK of mere survival being the name of my game.  I have desires.  I have goals.  I have something of value to contribute to the world at large.  I just want to contribute it already.

One (out of 2) of my goals is to publish a book.  People often tell me I’m a good writer.  This I know.  I appreciate the compliments.  But no matter how many doors I try to open- nothing happens…

So, I’ve tried to start small… here.  I have a blog.  In the past it’s gotten a lot of attention.  Nothing ever happened.  I’ve even tried to get freshly pressed… apparently not.  I’ve been “discovered” by others who have referred me to very well-known places to try to at least get some publicity.  I’ve been told my story is missing a sort of universal truth to it…. not quite compelling enough for the general public….

No- I’m not giving up.  I just needed a good vent.

There it is.

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