It’s not always easy being a Professional Sunshine Spreader.
I’ve been trying to stay positive lately, but truth be told- it’s hard, and I’m having a difficult time keeping my chin up.
Recently, my boss (who does not live in the area) told me that she can’t pay me unless we start making money. This is frustrating because the main reason I came here was for guaranteed employment. When I chose to come here, I changed my plans and took a leap of faith. At the moment of the decision, I had enough money for a one way ticket to Oregon and that’s it (and I was planning my life accordingly). It was either a one way ticket or no way ticket… and I chose the no way… which is now turning into a sort of bleak no way out.
Anyway, I’ve been working hard.. I’ve been doing everything I can to market this business with very little help and as I talk to business owners around town, they assure me that the choices I am making are the smartest things I can do to get the word out, short of joining the Chamber of Commerce…which my boss will not do.
I’ve been told that this used to be one of the most popular summer hang outs in town, but over the last few years, nobody has known if it’s actually open or what happens with it.
I’m starting to feel like my daily activities are all useless and pointless. I’m working at a job which as it looks right now is not going to pay me as promised. I’m actually living upstairs in this shop and I no longer have enough money for a one way ticket as I thought I’d be working all summer and getting paid, so that money went toward other things. Which means that I cannot just pick up and leave… I’d look for another summer job and just head out ASAP, but I am actually living in the store…. so I am committed to the store.
So, lately I feel my sunshine setting a little bit. I’m confused about what my lessons are here and I’m sure I won’t know until after I leave. However, I do have a sneaking suspicion that I’m learning to take care of my own needs before the needs of others.. and though my goal is to write a book about all the kindness in the world, I think I’m learning that it can’t be all sunshine and butterflies all the time. Though I know that my boss was doing the best she could when she made all these promises to me related to the business, which she has taken back or procrastinated taking any action on… I do know that they were rooted in good intentions and well meaning. However, now I am seeing that I have to start looking for creative solutions to do what is best for me.
The funny thing is that each time I try to convince myself that when I get to Oregon, I will just throw in the towel, settle in, apply to grad school, get a job, live in an apt and find a room mate… I can’t or won’t commit to that game plan. I honestly do believe in this journey to the very core of my being and with every bone in my body I know that this is happening for a reason. I know that I am doing the best I can in each moment and though I cannot see my way out of this situation yet, I do know that the Universe is always conspiring to shower me with blessings. Even though I haven’t yet experienced the miracles waiting on the other side of this limbo, I know without a shadow of doubt that everything is arranging itself (perhaps behind the scenes) to meet me at exact right timing in the exact right place.
So the best thing I can do is simply keep the hope alive and be present and aware enough to see opportunities when they arise and act on them quickly… and of course be gentle with myself in the meantime, and let it be okay that right now my inner sunshine is being covered up by a puffy cloud.
And anyway, it has always been my experience that just when things seem like they are really bad, something surprising and amazing reveals itself as a brilliant action step toward my higher goals that I couldn’t have gotten any other way.