I bought my plane ticket to Minnesota this morning.
Wow. I’m really doing this. I’m so excited…but filled with nostalgia and a deep sense of gratitude for every person and situation which has colored my world for the last several years.
If someone told the person I used to know as me that I would actually choose to leave any sense of comfort in search of something that I could not use words to define and that there was no guarantee that I would find it, I would have panicked and made every effort to avoid the messenger of my fate and ultimately label that person as C.R.A.Z.Y. And then, I would have gone back to my comfortable life in my colorful apartment filled with plants, and frantically (oober neurotically) searched for ways to secure my mediocrity… or my false sense of security.
But here I am, preparing to leave the world of “homelessness” which has been my life for the past year in exchange for a temporary place in Minnesota (which I never ever thought I would visit)… and I’m giving up my car and the last of my belongings, to arrive with one suitcase, one carry-on, no money as far as I know after my final LA spending in order to stay with people I’ve never met.
This is so not like the person I used to know as me.
My future house host e mailed me last week asking all about how I prefer to live my daily life. After clumsily trying to type all about the person I used to know as me, I finally said, “I honestly don’t know anymore.. it’s been so long since I’ve been settled and I think I’m quite different from how I used to know me and I just don’t know how I am in a situation like that anymore.”
Anyway, I feel like I am making this profound shift in my life. First of all, I am giving up the only car I’ve ever owned… there are 222,000 miles on it.. we’ve been through SO MUCH together and I LOVE that car… there is very good reason why I’m quite comfortable sleeping in it…
And even though the place I am staying at is just temporary, this family has made it clear that it is their intention to help me feel 110 percent at home while I am there… I already have my own special spot and apparently they’ve bought some things just for me… home like items.
It’s hard to explain, but since before leaving Oregon in pursuit of California I’ve been slowly getting rid of my past, slowly breaking my relationship with false security. Now, as I get ready to downsize one last time- I’m washed over with a sense that for the past year I’ve almost been incubating… meeting myself at a deeper level then I’ve ever been able to commune with… and now I’m ready….. These words keep coming forward: When the traveler is really ready, the journey will appear.
Earlier, after the reality of my purchase sunk in, I thought: “And so begins the longest week of my life.” Seriously- based on personal choices, my week is set to be BORING after Sunday… and even though I’m quite eager to see what I am getting into, I have found peace knowing that I get to experience a sort of good bye… perhaps to the person I used to know as me and relax as my path arranges itself to introduce me to the person I’ve become.
I’m leaving in seven days. :)
Way to go! I think it’s amazing that you are stepping out on this adventure, and I’ve found that “settling” in one place is its own adventure with its own beauties and challenges. After moving around numerous places over a span of 8 years, it was a mixed feeling to finally be in one place when I found my apartment in San Francisco. I went from 4 bags to now having bought my first bed, dresser, and desk! It’s been a slow process for me to “build” that room, mostly because it can be. Safe travels and know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers!
Thank you so much. Yes, I think I will have to settle at some point… but until then, I am so happy to be on this journey!! I hear you on the mixed feelings… but it sounds like the space you have created is amazing!
Currie, I send you many blessings on your way and applaud your courage. That quote you love about “Leap and the net will appear” is interesting in that it never specifies where the net will be! Who would have thought it would be in Minnesota! Enjoy this next leg of your adventure.
Love, Jane
OH Currie I am so proud of you. It take a strong and amazing soul to leave behind all in search of some intangible but loving life that give as much as it gets. I love Minnisota but being from the deep south I stayed there for three months and was willing to walk home in the snow.. I saw a nice black man and huged him and he asked why I and I said I am from the south and it is so nice to see a friendly face although everyone in minnesto was soooooo nice he laughed we are friends to this day. And it was funny because he had an accent and I think I don’t and he was lonely for home too. I cannot wait to see what this new life you have been living adds to the new temporary normality. I bet it is such a blessing. people always ask me would I change having cancer and I say NO and mean it because it allowed me to free myself up from being duncans wife, bonnies daughter and deborahs sister although I will love and always be those things but find Callie and be her.. I had her packed away in a box waiting for the right time to spread my wings.. and like an archangel on tv the wings sprouted and life is heaven and I have people like you in it. I hope the week flies by and enjoy life is the manifestation of what we dream .. you know that better than most so dream big and go for it.. I cannot wait to buy your book when you write it.Much love. Callie
You have an amazing way with words. I wish you the very best on this new journey for “you”.