Wow. I’m really doing this. I’m so excited…but filled with nostalgia and a deep sense of gratitude for every person and situation which has colored my world for the last several years.
If someone told the person I used to know as me that I would actually choose to leave any sense of comfort in search of something that I could not use words to define and that there was no guarantee that I would find it, I would have panicked and made every effort to avoid the messenger of my fate and ultimately label that person as C.R.A.Z.Y. And then, I would have gone back to my comfortable life in my colorful apartment filled with plants, and frantically (oober neurotically) searched for ways to secure my mediocrity… or my false sense of security.
But here I am, preparing to leave the world of “homelessness” which has been my life for the past year in exchange for a temporary place in Minnesota (which I never ever thought I would visit)… and I’m giving up my car and the last of my belongings, to arrive with one suitcase, one carry-on, no money as far as I know after my final LA spending in order to stay with people I’ve never met.
This is so not like the person I used to know as me.
My future house host e mailed me last week asking all about how I prefer to live my daily life. After clumsily trying to type all about the person I used to know as me, I finally said, “I honestly don’t know anymore.. it’s been so long since I’ve been settled and I think I’m quite different from how I used to know me and I just don’t know how I am in a situation like that anymore.”
Anyway, I feel like I am making this profound shift in my life. First of all, I am giving up the only car I’ve ever owned… there are 222,000 miles on it.. we’ve been through SO MUCH together and I LOVE that car… there is very good reason why I’m quite comfortable sleeping in it…
And even though the place I am staying at is just temporary, this family has made it clear that it is their intention to help me feel 110 percent at home while I am there… I already have my own special spot and apparently they’ve bought some things just for me… home like items.
It’s hard to explain, but since before leaving Oregon in pursuit of California I’ve been slowly getting rid of my past, slowly breaking my relationship with false security. Now, as I get ready to downsize one last time- I’m washed over with a sense that for the past year I’ve almost been incubating… meeting myself at a deeper level then I’ve ever been able to commune with… and now I’m ready….. These words keep coming forward: When the traveler is really ready, the journey will appear.
Earlier, after the reality of my purchase sunk in, I thought: “And so begins the longest week of my life.” Seriously- based on personal choices, my week is set to be BORING after Sunday… and even though I’m quite eager to see what I am getting into, I have found peace knowing that I get to experience a sort of good bye… perhaps to the person I used to know as me and relax as my path arranges itself to introduce me to the person I’ve become.
I’m leaving in seven days. :)