When I first decided to be ‘home challenged,’ I ran into a friend I never even met just days before I was due to start sleeping in my car. I was feeling scared and uncertain of my decision as I explained my situation doing the best I could to own my bold choice. She listened thoughtfully and then said these words, “Well, if push comes to shove you can come stay with my daughters and I… Here are my phone numbers,” Followed with a hug. I knew her even though that was our first interaction. We both attended the same graduate program in Spiritual Psychology, and just happened to be at school at the same time one day when class was not in session. This is not a type of school where students just ‘hang out,’ so meeting a classmate when not actually in class, is not likely. I guess you can call that fate or synchronicity…. or grace.
I did call her a few days later, as the moment came to be homeless and I was scared out of my mind. I went to her house while she had company from out of town. She said, “Don’t worry! Make yourself right at home. If you want to be social, you are welcome… if you want to sleep and keep to yourself that is perfectly okay. Eat whatever you want. PLEASE make yourself right at home.”
While I listened to these words on the phone, I couldn’t help but smile from the inside, out. However, from past conditioning and experience, I had an inner fear that told me not to trust it, I would inevitably be blamed for something and if I was not in a good mood at some point, I would also be blamed for being a ‘downer’ and I would inevitably feel bad for inflicting my horrible self on others. As I got in my car to drive to her house even though I was utterly exhausted I promised myself that I would be in a good mood and on my best behavior no matter what; I would do anything to make sure everyone else in the house was happy.
When I arrived, my friend was not home (she was picking up guests from the airport), however her 14 year old daughter was there and gladly told me everything I needed to know. Before leaving me to do my thing, she said ” When you are done showering, I will whip you up something to eat.” I couldn’t hold back a giggle… I had just never met such a wholesome kid in my life… and offering to whip something up for me… nobody had ever said that before. When she left, I looked around and I thought to myself and/or god, “Wow, I will always trust you… just when I think my life is over… you give me this. Thank you.” I mean, this place was really nice and the kids were really nice…. and the whole situation was wonderful.
A few busy days passed when my house host was constantly entertaining and what not, so I was not able to work out the details of this gift. As a result I was walking on eggshells hoping not to distrub the fullness of the favor. Finally, one day I heard her come home with no kids, no guests, no nothing. I woke from a nap and practically ran up the stairs to catch her before the phone rang or something else caught her attention. I said, “How long do I have before my welcome is worn out?” and of course “What do I owe you for this…. I can do housework, or pay you some…” She looked at me with tons of love and said, well how about four weeks and you owe me nothing. Just be you. I was a little uncertain. I heard words similar to that before only to find out that there were strings attached. I said really, nothing? I didn’t want to get all emotional and say, “You don’t mean that… I have to do something… I’ve been through this. Give me a chore, I’d rather do that then end up being blamed.” She could sense my uncertainty and her eyes lit up as she said, “Just pay it forward.” I do believe that was a sign. I relaxed instantly and knew our minds worked similarly and that I was in a space where I could truly have my human experience. I smiled, said thank you and went back to my nap.
When I first had the feeling in my heart that I needed to sleep in my car for awhile and perhaps it had a little something to do with the elusive ‘global family’ creation, I didn’t trust it. I mean this is such an outside the box idea that most people frown upon.. well some people have let me know it’s a ‘bad’ idea from their point of view. However, when she smiled and said “Pay it forward,” I couldn’t help but find more trust for my instincts and actions. Those words were like a confirmation from the divine that I am indeed on the right path. I knew from that moment for whatever reason I needed to experience this family before I either went on to another family or went to my car.
I can’t know everything, but looking back I really think I needed that precious group of girls to fill me with love and a little confidence in my choices. I experienced unconditional support which I think is what you get from a family…. I was loved for me and my host intuitively reassured me with these words, “You are precious. My daughters like you so much because they can see your purity and light.” Those words meant the world to me because in the past the exact opposite was always said. It was such a gift to relax into love a little and be recognized for who I really am and not merely live out someone else’s (including my own) negative projections. It was neat to observe my evolution through this and find that my inner reality was actually seeping into my outer reality by way of attracting truly like-minded people. I could tell that sometime over the past few months something really shifted inside of me and I was actually living more in line with my authenticity and higher self.
So THANK YOU friend. Your kindness began this journey in the most amazing way and from the second I left your house I have been paying it forward and living a cycle of kindness, abundance and love in which I have been on both the giving and receiving end. Even though I am exhausted I am a blessed blessing and I truly enjoy sharing and experiencing oneness with everyone and everything I encounter. Thank you for giving me a temporary space to become comfortable with my own light and experience.
Please stay tuned for stories on magical mechanics, truck drivers, grocery store clerks, complete strangers, friends and so many unexpected tales of yumminess.
Published on Elephant Journal.com Sept 7-8