(Hello blog followers, this is a post that I am reposting…. it got lost from my blog.. feel free to not read it… or read it if you choose).
(Old post from January… or maybe December. I appreciate all of your patience with new posts and old ones being jumbled together as I assemble my new blog)
I guess I just have to face it. I am loved. I can no longer run away from this fact.
Let me expound upon this. I am a true believer that our thoughts create our realities. I have seen this all over my life, in the best of times and the worst. The past few months, I have been tip toeing around the outside of the most beautiful group of people who want to love me. I have been playing my usual role of “outsider looking in” hoping (subconsciously) that they will find reasons to hate me. I have been able to catch my thoughts (a little too late) of, “this just can’t be…. My life doesn’t happen like this…. Wait.. just wait… I’ll eff it up…. There will be misunderstandings…. This will become suffocating and co-dependent just like every other relationship I have ever had…. Just wait- they’ll see…. I’m a monster.”
Yep- then those thoughts really did create my reality. I’ve been told and shown over and over again that my thoughts really are powerful. So, on a very unconscious level I created my newest financial drama (I have to laugh at myself). AGAIN, I put myself in a situation where I could easily escape all of the emotional and physical torment that my body has come to know as love (sad, but true). I cannot emphasize the word unconscious enough. AGAIN, I created a situation in which my basic needs will not be met. AGAIN, I created a situation in which I desperately needed to be taken care of. AGAIN, I created my childhood and lack of love and desperate need for validation and being heard, protected and safe. I really hope if you are reading this, you are chuckling. Surely, if you know me and know the constant reoccurrence of this EXACT situation, you must be laughing….. I am. Though my situation is serious at present, it is FUNNY that I keep doing this.
The past few days I have gotten amazing amounts of loving words through e mails, phone calls, prayers, etc. I would like to acknowledge all of them and post some.
You are so HIGH ON THE LIST of people to take care of! It would be a miracle for sure but you are someone I would never forget when fortune comes my way. You are the beautifulest in every way. Keep your head high, be proud of everything you’ve done and will do and remember you are love(d).
You are a brave, powerful, joyful amazing person. I can’t believe USM will let you walk away that easily.
Hope a miracle happens very soon.
Lots of love and light,
~I’m holding you in such bright, jubilant and powerful light, right now and always.
I want you to know how much I admire your strength and commitment to your education and yourSELF! You are a role model.
I’m sending you love and light that the stackers are banished from your life.
Miracles do happen and if anyone deserves one, you do. Maybe somewhere between
the extremes, you’ll find a solution. You are a USM person, and I know that
you will complete your USM education. If it’s not right now, it will be soon.
Life has a funny way of offering us lessons and opportunities. I know you’ll
figure this out for yourself. We look forward to seeing you on Friday!
With peace, love and light, and all good energy flowing your way…
I LOVE you! You are beautiful, funny, awesome and I Miss you tremendously. More and more I think of you as a lifelong friend… You inspire me on a daily basis.
Those are just some of the lovely letters of support.
I guess I will close with a short letter to myself.
Dearest Little Currie,
Seriously? OK, it’s time to grow up. You can do this. I acknowledge your need to be validated, loved and not so alone. I hear you. I get it. There are easier ways to do this, you know. I know you have lived a tremendous life that most people could never even begin to guess by just looking at you. However, it is not necessary to keep wearing this badge of, “look at me, poor me, why does nobody see me? Please understand me… and HELP!”…
You have all of the resources you need to figure out how to live your life comfortably and prosperously. I have faith in you. People will understand you and hear you without your constant tripping yourself up, so someone will just mother you already. I hate to be the bearer of reality… but you didn’t get the nurturing you always wanted in conventional ways. You probably won’t ever have what you are so desperate for. HOWEVER, Will you please open your eyes and realize you’ve had helpers the whole way? Some of them showed up for a short time and some are trying to stick… why must you un stick everyone who tries to help?? Why must you constantly say to yourself, “I don’t deserve this…. Poor me…. If they only knew what a horrible person I am, they wouldn’t try to love me, this won’t last, one day they’ll wake up and see that I am not worth their time.”
ENOUGH! I say this in the gentlest loving way possible. It is time to acknowledge that you are your own parent. You’ve done a great job too. Seriously, in every moment you have done the best you could with the resources you had. Look at your life without all the drama- you have gone against all “statistics” of who you were “supposed” to be based on your upbringing. I acknowledge your effort and perseverance against all odds.
You are beautiful, joyful, strong and amazing. It is time to put the past behind you and step into your own bright light. It’s time to trust yourself to love and be loved. I have faith that you can do this. I’m not letting you run away again. You will not be blamed, scape goated, made to feel guilty for needing help or unjustly labeled. There are no strings attached, It’s safe to be you. I promise
Lots of Love.
© Copyright Lindsey Hiroms and/or Currie Rose 2010. All rights reserved.